I’m tired. I’m tired and it’s only been two days.
Yes, this training is intense that we’re spending nine straight hours daily practicing asana, studying human anatomy, discussing the philosophies and sutras of the yoga practice, and applying it all practically together. And yes, we go home and continue reading and writing about the things we’re discussing in class until it’s time for bed. But it’s so much more than that.
The emotional and spiritual journey begins the moment you step through that studio door, and when you commit to it, it’s an incredibly draining process. It pulls all of the negative and toxic thoughts, and all of the self-doubt and uncertainty out of the body and places it on the yoga mat in front of you. You are forced to face it all and grow from what you see. And it’s incredible.
This is the first time in a very long time that I’ve chosen to do something truly selfish, dedicating the vast majority of my time and energy this month to myself. And this particular journey I chose really does require that focus to see true transformation. I’ve always struggled with guilt in moments I can’t give myself to those around me, and now is no different. I’m noticing myself getting short on the phone because I just don’t feel like talking after a full day in the studio. Seeing 15 unread text messages floods me with anxiety and makes me want to throw my phone on the subway tracks. Thinking about the job space that will come after this in any capacity almost seems to undo all the work I complete on my yoga mat merely hours before. But that’s okay.
I have to accept that I just can’t do it all right now. That I can’t tend to everyone else’s needs. That I can’t make everyone else happy. That I can’t set up big plans for the future that don’t involve what I’m working on right now. I need to practice just being and let this experience provide what I know in my heart that it can.
Oh, and breathe and sleep. I need to do those things too.